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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in KendrACK!'s LiveJournal:

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    Sunday, December 27th, 2009
    2:58 pm
    journaling.
    i'm keeping a journal for myself now. it is not posted online. you suckers will never know what's going on in my life.

    i kind of miss how i used to write here so frequently. it's always really interesting looking back. i should just back up all my entries and delete this old thing, huh.

    *sniff*
    Saturday, November 21st, 2009
    8:35 am
    its verrryyyy chillllllyyy
    so it's been over a month since i've posted. it's not for a lack of having anything to say, really. maybe there's just been TOO MUCH to say.

    i'm living back downtown again. pretty close to my old place really. i live in the same building as a bar and a pizza joint so it's basically great. my apartment is real pretty, i want to paint it, cos it's TOO MUCH white but...bleagh....so much work you know. and with the fact that i'll probably have to go back to olympia for a while sorta soon, well...i just dunno. seems like a lotta work for nothing. but maybe jason can stay here while i go to school. hell, i COULD drive down to olympia every day for school instead of living there, but that would be terrible. as would living in olympia.

    i'd like to just get a job out of school but you know, i'm so close to that bachelor's degree. and evergreen is the easiest/fastest way.

    i don't know.

    livejournal, why...
    Friday, October 23rd, 2009
    11:06 pm
    phillip
    The KendrACK!: doodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEE
    The KendrACK!: BA BA BA BA BA BA BA
    The KendrACK!: doodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEEdoodooDEEdoodoodoodoodooDEE
    The KendrACK!: etc
    The KendrACK!: etc
    The KendrACK!: etc
    The KendrACK!: lol
    William: haha
    William: koyaanisqatsiiiiii
    William: koyaanisqatsiiiii
    The KendrACK!: god damnit
    William: snort
    The KendrACK!: YOU KNEW THE SONG I WAS TALKIGN ABOUT
    The KendrACK!: HAHAHA
    William: yes I did
    The KendrACK!: i <3 uuu
    Friday, October 16th, 2009
    10:44 am
    being pretty in a pretty place.


    from like a month ago. BUT STILL.

    moving is really really happening soon. i'm pretty sure. it's kinda weird but hey we're going for it. i have a good weird feeling not a bad weird, and my feelings are generally correct about such things.

    now to go for a drive in the rain.

    oh ps new jeep.
    Thursday, October 8th, 2009
    7:26 am
    Overdue?
    Well, alright then.

    Happy October, everyone! Jason and I have found an apartment to move into, and its like, 90% sure going to be 'the one'. I'ts actually a duplex, fairly large, nice kitchen, super cute bathroom, we'll have our own washer and dryer (woohoo!) a small patio, garden, and yard, and a garage. I'm going to plant some veggies if I can! It's in a good location too, and a neighborhood that I like quite a bit. I look forward to living in a house instead of an apartment, for a lot of reasons.

    Just waiting to hear back from the owner on when we can move in.

    I don't know how long I'm going to stay there, so in a way it seems somewhat silly to be moving now, but I just HAVE to, and Jason agrees. It will be fun. Ideas in the works: when finished with school, apply for jobs here and in portland, and just go where life takes me. other option is to continue going to school. I'm looking into the Architecture program at UW. I'd really really like to start working, but I also want to learn as much as I can. I just want my school experience to be worth the time, which so far it kind of hasn't. I know the right school for me is out there, somewhere. My psych class at Clover Park has been the best class I've had in a while. That was the perfect kind of setting, and I learned a lot.

    This man we are sort of studying at school now, an Architect from Tacoma, he got his BFA in Architecture from UW and then got a Masters from MIT. That's a career path I wouldn't mind emulating, I'd love to go to school in Boston. Been wanting to spend more time there ever since I first set foot in that old city...fell in love with the brick buildings, the decrepit cemetaries, and that brisk bay breeze. Also I'd just like to go somewhere new. Someplace insiring. It doesn't take a lot to inspire me, but sometimes....having lived in the same town for msot of my years, I feel like I've seen it all. I want a new place, some place I can look at with the gaze of wonder and curiosity. The sheer newness turns my brain on like a switch.

    I'm just rambling now....lost in a day dream. Plus I should get ready for class soon. Tata.

    Current Mood: not making much sense!
    Saturday, September 19th, 2009
    8:19 am
    getting super pumped about the change of seasons.
    (which reminds me that i'm totally not carpe-ing the diem)

    october is nearly upon us, and today i can smell it on the wind. in autumn the landscape dies, and if that is what death is i have nothing to fear.

    i'm wondering how many love poems i have written about october? several i am sure. there is something about the season that makes me more succeptible to romantic feelings. it seems like this is the opposite for most people; it is springtime and summertime that make them feel that way. well, maybe summertime is more a time for lighthearted lust. autumn time is when superficialities are stripped away, leaving a bare skeleton behind. the strongest, and most perservering part of me and of everything is exposed. my truest and deepest feelings and emotions can be examined at this time of year.

    it is a time of peace, of silently giving in. yes, autumn is the perfect metaphor for falling in love.

    i only wish they were more than scribblings on napkins or the margins of newspapars. the poems, that is. ones i have written. see they come to me at the oddest of times and if i don't write them immediately a chilly, whistling breeze will carry them away. i do remember one i wrote, because i wrote it as a song. such a sweet melody. it wasn't the best though, it was too long ago. 2002? i think so. i did write a lot of music back then. the problem with music is that its meant to be shared. i didn't want to share it. i guess that is why i never pursued that particular art form in seriousness. hm...

    2004 was a good year for poetry. i was so inspired that year! and yes it was in that year i wrote the best october love poem, but it is lost now. i can still vividly recall the image that inspired it, so very perfectly. in fact its such a strong image in my mind, and it always has been, that i had titled the poem "the photograph". it was not about a real photograph, of course, but a memory i hoped to never forget.

    oh, the image is there alright but the words to describe it are gone. maybe someday i will find them again.

    there's nothing more to say now.
    Saturday, September 12th, 2009
    11:27 am
    long break
    haven't posted in quite some time.

    i'm off from school for a little while now. i don't have my own laptop, because mine is in a coma. i'm using jason's presently. i can hardly wait to get my own again. it will be wonderful! whenever that may be.

    we are looking for a new place to live. we had found a perfect place, but missed out on it due to stupidness. so far nothing good has shown itself. there's still a little time but not much....

    school has presented itself with a few major frustrations. i'll finish my degree, sure, but how happy will i be? that remains to be seen.

    oh well. life is chugging along at a decent pace, nothing terrible, nothing wonderful, just living. and i'm ok with that.

    Current Mood: complacent
    Friday, August 14th, 2009
    9:46 am
    the link is nsfw you guys
    9:41:02 AM William: haha
    9:42:10 AM William: http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=dramatic_orgasm.flv oh god this is the funny
    9:42:49 AM The KendrACK!: dun DUN DUNNNNNNNN
    9:42:50 AM The KendrACK!: lol
    9:42:52 AM The KendrACK!: wtf
    9:42:58 AM William: ACTING
    9:43:08 AM The KendrACK!: at first i though it was just gonna be nothing
    9:43:11 AM The KendrACK!: and it was gonna be awkward
    9:43:14 AM The KendrACK!: that would be funny
    9:43:17 AM The KendrACK!: OH YEAH OH YEAH GONNA CUM
    9:43:20 AM The KendrACK!: -pause-
    9:43:23 AM The KendrACK!: UMMMM
    9:43:27 AM The KendrACK!: HOLD ON ITS COMING..
    9:43:28 AM William: hah
    9:43:28 AM The KendrACK!: RIGHT?
    9:43:36 AM The KendrACK!: OH WAIT I FORGOT TO LOAD THE PROSTHETIC PENIS
    9:43:45 AM The KendrACK!: -slide whistle-
    9:43:48 AM The KendrACK!: -laugh track-
    9:44:00 AM William: more like a slide trombone
    9:44:07 AM The KendrACK!: more like a slide
    9:44:11 AM The KendrACK!: those are fun
    9:44:12 AM William: more like a
    9:44:20 AM The KendrACK!: SLIDE DETECTOR TEST
    9:44:29 AM The KendrACK!: MEASURES THE FUN CPAACITY OF ANY CITY PARK
    9:44:32 AM William: GEE IS THIS A REAL SLIDE LET US FIND OUT BOYS AND GIRLS
    9:44:45 AM The KendrACK!: uses slide detector on a rabid badger
    9:44:49 AM The KendrACK!: rabid badger atacks
    9:44:54 AM The KendrACK!: SLIDE DETECTOR SAYS
    9:44:56 AM The KendrACK!: MAYBE
    9:45:32 AM William: haha
    Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
    9:44 pm
    so, crates.
    Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor.

    In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

    One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?'

    'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.'

    'Triple filter?' asked the acquaintance.

    'That's right,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

    'No,' the man said, 'actually I just heard about it.'

    'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

    'No, on the contrary ....'.

    'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?'.

    The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued..' You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

    'No, not really...'

    'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

    The man was defeated and ashamed.

    This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

    It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
    Sunday, August 9th, 2009
    8:00 am
    i'm a fucking idiot.
    i woke up at 7 15, knowing that the alarm on my cell phone would be going off at 8. wanting to sleep in, i got up to find it and shut it off. after several minutes of looking i gave up, frustrated, and feeling like i couldnt go back to sleep. i didn't go back to sleep, since i had exerted myself too much, only to find, when 8am arrived, that my phone was right next to my bed all along.

    GAAAHHHHH.

    so tired anyway! but can't sleep.....can't sleep.......

    never enough sleep!

    lots to say, don't want to say it. but guys, i've decided i'm going to try to publish a book. it'll be with a PSEUDONYM though and you'll never know it was me. ^_^

    neener!

    Current Mood: annoyed
    Saturday, July 18th, 2009
    9:30 am
    THERE BE SPIES AMONG US!
    [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<_<>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

    <_<

    >_>

    it would be REALLY awesome if i could go back to sleep right now. i stayed up until like 5am. Drunk, natch. I entertained myself by playing super mario world (I got to lenny's castle before saying EFF THIS!) and then attempting to play bioshock. I died for the first time! THREE TIMES! (yes that's right, i played through the whole game without ever dying. my x box made up for it in spades, though, by randomly crashing and making me do entire sections over a number of times) then I said eff this, too. I got as far as the medical pavilion. To be truthful I wasn't fully capable of understanding wth was going on, haha.

    A good time was had by all, I think. And by all I mean me and Jason. And maybe like the 4 people I was texting.

    TIME TO GET THE HOOKUP.

    now where the fuck is jason?


    Current Mood: calm
    Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
    8:14 am
    old and new
    SOME STUFF THAT I STARTED WRITIGN THE OTHER DAY BUT NEVER POSTED: [it's one of those days i wish i didn't have to do anything, so i could just sit in front of the mirror and admire myself. A long time ago, a lover of mine said that I (and all women) were the most beautiful just upon waking. Only much later did I begin to see that it was true.

    Anyway, that was not at all what I meant to write about, just happened to look in the mirror before I started typing :)

    What I did mean to write about was a sort of a survey for my friends who went to real college. Most of my friends did go to fancy private schools, 4-year colleges, universities, etc. and have since graduated from them (woop woop!). I sneaked a little different route, which has quite honestly worked out pretty nicely though I do regret it from time to time, because I feel like I am behind others. My first year at Evergreen was a mistake. If I had listened to my gut instead of trying to keep up with my peers I would have known that I wasn't meant to go to school right away. But that's alright because I learned from it (not to mention gained a few irreplaceable friendships...I'm looking at you Matthew, Timothy, and Zach!).

    Now I am taking a 3-year (condensed into 18 months cos I'm hardcore like that) Interior Design degree at Clover Park Technical College. Not exactly a nationally or even regionally known school. However my instructors are incredible people, one of them holding the title of most awarded designer in the south puget sound area. ]

    continued? I lost my train of thought (this was from like 6 days ago) so maybe not. I think the point was: people who went to real college, were your classmates fucking retarded??? Okay because my assumption (and I know it's wrong of me to assume this as I have learned so very many times) is that if you are in college then you have been through several years of school already, and in many cases several years after that of LIFE during which you had a job and presumably cared for yourself in some way. Therefore you are very likely to be educated in BASIC THINGS THAT A FUCKING 8 YEAR OLD WOULD KNOW.

    I don't know if it's just because I'm at a craptacular "Junior College" that it seems like only a couple of the students are actually on the level. Every day that we have lecture is literally agonizing for me (because "lecture" is actually more of an open forum discussion and lesson that just someone talking at us for an hour or two). It pains me greatly that we had to spend TWO FULL LECTURE DAYS learning about Cartesian coordinates. It's not like it was planned that way, just that over half of my classmates took that long to grasp the concept. These are adults. People who have lived real lives, and yet somehow can't grasp the concept of a fucking intersection. WHAT.

    Anyway, that is just one example. Everyday its something different, every day more and more stupid questions compound. I feel like so much time is wasted, because it is rude to work on my projects during lecture, so I am basically forced to listen for 2-2.5 hours of which maybe 3% is actually useful BEFORE I can work on my assignments. It's not my instructors' faults. In fact, I quite adore them and think they are all very capable and smart people who know wtf they are talking about. I also think they are some of the most patient people in the world. I could sense Julie cracking a little bit yesterday (because apparently there are numerous people in my class who can't even use google (or an internet browser period) with out having their hand held. IS THIS HOW STEPHEN HAWKING FEELS ALL THE TIME? maybe he gets to turn his computer ears off. That man is a fucking laptop.

    LE SIGH. Despite all that, though, I am still learning a lot and enjoying myself. I've discovered that AutoCAD is the best software ever made and that I want to use it for ever. When I'm done at school if the only job I get is just sitting in an office drafting other people's stuff on CAD I will be a very happy lady.

    I'm really sorry I think so many of my classmates are fucking stupid. I really think they are nice people and I like them, they just really waste my time a lot and that is some kind of pet peeve. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL GUYS IF YOU READ THIS.

    Fuckin' whatever like I actually make friends in there. LOL. Yeaahhh...

    Current Mood: bitchy
    Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
    2:53 pm
    OK.
    AutoCAD is the best program ever.

    The end.
    Monday, July 6th, 2009
    5:52 pm
    fuck the what?
    Damn that ONE C from second quarter!!! my GPA is 3.66 now. Bleh. About to throw down another A though, I'm pretty sure. I think this year is going to go a lot better than last year! I am hoping anyway, but I feel a lot better and more confident, and I am super excited to start using CAD and exploring commercial design. It's like they said at the beginning, you will surprise yourself with what you get into compared to how you think you'll do at the start. When I started I was *so sure* I wanted to do residential design, and was pretty disinterested with commercial but now it's just the opposite.

    Actually I'd really like to do textile design or something like that. Specializing in tile layouts or cabinet layouts is also a strong possibility at this point. WE SHALL SEE.

    I need to start having in mind where I'd like to do an internship. That's only like 6 months away! *gulp*

    HRM anyways.

    so pain of salvation is off the prog nation tour, devastation ensues. been following it like a motherfucker to see if they finally make some dates for farther north than freaking LA. stopped paying attention for like a week, then go back to look last week and GASP. ugh. super annoying.

    ALSO its almost mah burfday. once again total fail for jas&ken anniversary AND b-day in taking evil antibiotics that make ne not able to drink any alcohol whatsoever. oh also i can't have sex either.

    someone kill me now.

    Current Mood: busy
    Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
    7:09 am
    damn flash photography!
    when you're on the dance floor, feeling the pulse of the music, bumpin and grindin with your sweetie, you may think that in the cloak of darkness and the confusion of flashing colors and other bodies that you are concealed. screw finding a secluded spot! passion knows no social boundaries! but you forgot about flash photography. now you're in the background of snapshots of drunk chicks throwing up gang signs, getting people banned from facebook and what not.

    OH NOES.

    in other news, nacho cheese.
    lulz.
    Saturday, June 20th, 2009
    11:06 am
    some "fears" confirmed, and such.
    man, fuck, i don't want to write about that. it's stupid. I LAUGH AT MYSELF THOUGH. (ok no one knows what i'm talking about and years from now i probably wont BUT OK)

    i'm getting better financial aid for the coming school year than last year. isn't that badass? i know. i'm pretty stooooked. i don't think i need to even take out any loans. need to check with my mom though, because, she knows about that shit. i'm just a huge failure when it comes to college bureaucracy, thank god for my mom basically.

    also i think for one i didn't get selected for verification. at least it didn't say anything about it in the lil' packet i got yesterday. AMAZING. i keep trying to tell myself not get depressed that most of my friends just graduated. you know....on time....and stuff. i am a little bit though. however, there really isn't such a thing as "on time" is there? i did other stuff, stuff that was very important to my personal growth and happiness.

    right.

    Current Mood: anxious
    Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
    4:19 pm
    something has changed
    i'm not sure what's going on. i can feel myself growing distant and withdrawn. from everyone around me, even from myself. i have been filling my life with distractions and find it hard to care much about anything. my life is so different now from how it was a year ago. i wonder what is wrong with me?

    anyhow, i have finished my first year of my degree. hurray! it has gone so much faster than my long, horrible year at evergreen. i am halfway done now. it's hard to imagine that 9 months from now i will graduate and hopefully have a job. a real one...if not, i guess i will keep going to school, get my BA. I'm also considering going on to architecture school. I really like the more technical aspects of my courses, which is surprising to me...I think I will enjoy commercial design more in the coming quarters. Plus we get to use CAD, which I am happy for. creativity flows so much more easily with computers.

    no school for me until the 29th...ahh relaxation to the max......

    hope jason and i can go to the lake once in the coming couple weeks......pleasies?
    i am hungry.

    Current Mood: pensive
    Monday, June 8th, 2009
    9:01 am
    ideas.
    I lost my idea book, i'm guessing for real since even the great SEEKER jason cannot find it.

    this is utterly tragic. i need a new one, one that wont be easily lost, a new PERMANENT idea book. i thought about using lj as my idea book, but i don't want to make my genius plans available for others to plagiarize. so yes, a small personal idea book is best.

    really horrible losing that, i had months upon months worth of ideas in there. its very important that when my muse speaks to me i capture its essence, so that i may re tap it at a more convenient time. whenever i NEED an idea, it always eludes me. idea book is necessary for life.

    my stomach is really bothering me this morning, it feels tight and uncomfortable. gah...

    school.

    Current Mood: bitchy
    Monday, June 1st, 2009
    9:01 pm
    POASTING
    gurgly stomach.....

    just ate a fuckin cinnamon roll. today i have eaten 2 krispy kreme donuts, a rockstar, a bowl of weird stir fry,a cinnamon roll, and a glass of soymilk. bout to make myself a rum and coke just because GOD DAMN I FEEL LIKE IT OK? (went to the doctor today, i gained 5 pounds!! lol!)

    Just applied for a night audit position at this hotel down on ruston. its part time, so i wont have to stay up all night EVERY night. may or may not fuck me over, but i kinda liked working night audit. plus fuck i need money so bad its not funny anymore.

    crying forever.

    ok gonan go cuddle jas now.

    Current Mood: calm
    9:00 pm
    some secrets never shared.

    dreams never divulged.

    why do i feel like spilling this out right now? i don't know. these things just happen sometimes.

    i was always really bad at expressing my feelings. i had many, of course, and was very capable of understanding them internally, but when i came to share them, especially the most important ones, something seemed to always get lost in translation. i loved you, it seemed, from the moment i met you. those eyes sparkling with excitement and passion; behind them, pain and melancholy that hinted at secrets i could never understand.

    the friendship we quickly built and cemented gave me a new kind of courage i had never felt before. your unabashed zest for life and everything you loved was inspiring, refreshing, beautiful. everyone else i knew, myself included, were "apathy zombies" with dwindling spirits and hindered creativity. you allowed me to dream again, and what did i dream of?

    among many things, the dream i had most often was of you and i. holding your hand as we walked the city streets, twirling, laughing, dancing in the park, stargazing in a field, cheeks tickled by grass, my hands on your tummy, my lips on your neck...my desires became so vivid that i was sure they would come true. yes, i saw in our interactions and how wonderful we were together that you must feel the same way. so it was decided, i would pave the way for my first 100% open lesbian relationship. brimming with confidence on the first day i saw you after 'the decision', life took an interesting turn. (life really is a fan if irony, isn't it). on that day i walked beside you, my heart pounding with life and vigor and excitement, my hands wanting to touch your face, my arms to wrap around you and hold you in that special way which would say all that words cannot.

    i walked beside you and you once again brought up that girl from your old school you talked about not infrequently, the one who you always say is exactly like me. the girl who looks exactly like me confessed her love to you not long ago (was it the night before? or the week? i don't remember as my world became a blur at your words). the girl who is exactly like me in almost every single way confessed her love to you and what did you tell her? you were offended. disgusted, even. even if you did like women, you tell me, laughing, she was most CERTAINLY not your type. you may as well have put a knife into my heart, but i could not help but laugh. even then i had an appreciation for irony.

    i suppose i was fortunate to have escaped your scorn. it was another girl i could laugh at. if you hadn't told me this story, it would be me you were laughing at and me you were disgusted by. or maybe that girl was just like me in every way except for one: maybe you could love me. but no, the timing of everything, the way i felt that day, i knew it would never be. so best friends we would remain, the ache of longing forever in my heart when we held hands, when i held you as you slept those many nights. words always just behind my lips, begging to be set free. but i knew it would never be.

    so know, dear friend, even as you left my life forever, whatever your reasons may be (and i am sure there were many) that i loved you. know that behind every action taken (or neglected) was a bitterness that never went away over all the years. the longing for what i once thought was so certain became a burning anger, at times, but i never meant you any harm. love.

    still miss you.

    and i am very, very sorry.
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